14 Groan-Worthy Financial Advisor Jokes

"Financial advisors, financial planners, CFAs, CPAs... What's up with that? What I really want is a financial thesaurus."

“Financial advisors, financial planners, CFAs, CPAs… What’s up with that? What I really want is a financial thesaurus.”

Here’s my collection of financial advisor jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many financial advisors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hire a lightbulb installer to do it and then charge you 1% of your assets each year.

Q: How does financial advisors measure their success?
A: By the number of consecutive life sentences they receive.

A financial advisor, a Jew, and a convict walk into a bar. He orders a beer.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack financial advisors?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why did the robber only steal 1% of the bank’s money?
A: He was a financial advisor.

If you had your life to live over again, you’d need more money.

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night: I woke up every hour and cried.

I’m not saying my financial advisor’s bad at her job, but when I went into her office and asked her to check my balance, she tried to push me over.

You know you have a bad financial advisor when you tell her to buy AOL stock and she asks you the ticker.

The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The optimist sees the glass half full. The financial advisor just adds whiskey.

IPO: it’s probably overpriced.

The Garden of Eden

A financial advisor, an engineer, and a doctor are arguing over which profession is the oldest.

The doctor says, “Just look at Genesis! When God removes Adam’s rib to make Eve, that’s a surgical procedure.”

The engineer replies, “In the very first line of the Bible, it says that there was chaos, and then God created the Earth. That’s an engineering task,”

Then the financial advisor says, “Who do you think created all of the chaos?”

The Road to Riches

A young man asked a financial advisor how he made his money.

The financial advisor touched his collar and said, “It was the financial crash of 2009. One of the worst bear markets I’ve ever seen.”

“People were scrambling for answers. At first, I billed clients 100 dollars an hour.”

“The next month, I raised my rates to 200 dollars an hour.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us 12 million dollars.”

The Best Financial Advice for Young Adults: 2015 Edition

A picture of you once you follow the best financial advice for young adults.

A picture of you once you follow the best financial advice for young adults.

Millennials rule. Boomers drool.

Except when it comes to money. The Boomers have all of it, and us Millenials, well, we’re broke. Just starting careers, paying off student loans, whatever.

It doesn’t have to be this way. With my help, you too can reach financial stability and security in the future. As your career takes off and your earning potential improves, you’ll soon find yourself with a new problem: too much money.

When this happens, there are two paths before you. You can, like most people, spend it all, and live your life from one paycheck to the next. Or you can start saving and establish good financial habits. Provided that you absorb the best financial for young adults, you’ll soon find yourself with a lot more money than your peers.

Maybe you won’t feel rich, but you will be. So without any further ado, let’s get to it.

The Best Financial Advice for Young Adults


1. Establish good saving habits.

Except for winning the lottery (and, if you do win the lottery, check out my post on financial advice for lottery winners), nothing, and I mean nothing, will grow your net worth faster than a consistent savings program.

Allow me to illustrate. Let’s imagine two people: Jack and Jill. Jack starts with 1,000 dollars at age 25, and then saves 10,000 dollars for every year until he retires at the age of 65. Jill starts with a substantial inheritance at the age of 25, 100,000 dollars, and then saves 1,000 dollars each year until she retires at age 65.

With a modest 6% return on their investments per year, here’s how their finances end up looking:

  • Jack’s net worth: $1,650,763
  • Jill’s net worth: $1,192,619

Jack, thanks to his saving habit, ends up with almost half a million dollars more than Jill. A more aggressive savings program will return much more.

Start today. Even if you’re only saving 10 dollars a week. The important thing is to get into the habit, and then carry that over to when you have more money in the future. It’s not the amount that matters right now. It’s the habit.

2. Pay off your credit card debt.

The median interest rate on credit card debt is about 15%. For almost everyone, it’s impossible to consistently earn 15% or more on an investment.

This means that you should 1) never rack up credit card debt in the first place and 2) if you have a balance on your credit card, pay it off as soon as possible.

Let’s consider another example to illustrate. Imagine Jack and Jill again. Both need a new washer for their homes. Jack puts it on his credit card, but pays it off at the end of the month, incurring no interest. Jill also puts the washer on her credit card, but only makes the minimum payment.

Let’s say that they both pay 500 dollars for a washer, and Jill pays it off at a minimum rate of 2%.

  • Jack’s total: $500
  • Jill’s total: $650.87

Jill ends up paying 30% more for the exact same purchase.

Avoid credit card debt.

3. Invest in knowledge.

In these examples, what separates financially savvy Jack from airhead Jill? Jack has more knowledge about finance and, as a result, is making fewer mistakes.

This illustrates the importance of investing in knowledge. One huge advantage that Millenials have over older adults is that we know how to use the internet to collect and process information.

Nothing pays dividends like an investment in your own knowledge, just ask Warren Buffet.

4. Don’t speculate.

Okay, so, let’s say you have a good savings plan going, no credit card debt, and you’re investing in your own knowledge. What’s the easiest way to lose all of your savings?

Speculating. There are many forms of gambling in life, and most don’t even look like they’re gambling.

Again, imagine the year is 1998. Jack and Jill are both at work, talking with coworkers around the water cooler. Fellow work Bob tells them about a hot new stock tip: WorldCom. He got in at 10 dollars, he says, and today the stock is at 20. He’s made 10,000 dollars.

Jack, operating under the principle that he refuses to by a share in a company that he doesn’t understand, ignores the tip. Jill, on the other hand, not wanting to miss out, puts her entire savings in WorldCom.

And, for the next few years, Jill looks like an absolute genius, as her investment triples, peaking near 65 dollars. But then the dot com bubble bursts, and WorldCom is worth nothing, and Jill loses all of the money that she’s saved.

Moral of the story? Never buy an investment you don’t understand, and the fastest way to lose your money is to buy the stock that everyone is talking about.

5. Everyone wants to sell you something.

The second fastest way to lose all of your hard-earned income? Buying stuff that you don’t need.

Everyone wants to sell you something. Trust me. Reading a blog like this one? Ever wonder why there are so many book or product recommedations? Probably the author is part of an affiiate program and gets kickbacks on every sale.

Same thing with financial advisors, like I covered in my post on financial advisor rates. They take a cut of your money.

Look, whatever you’re thinking about buying, you don’t need it. Humans are not natural consumers: why else is there so much advertising?

It’s to convince you to spend money on something that you never even wanted. They’re manufacturing desire where none exists.

6. Live a modest lifestyle.

“It ain’t what you make, it’s what you keep.”

Do you think that richer people are happier than you? Don’t believe what you see on the media: a powerful body of academic evidence suggests that the very well-off are only slightly happier than the middle class.

There is one big difference, though: the rich have become so used to their lifestyle that any downsizing will be painful. Though someone spending 5 million a year may be about as happy as someone spending 15 thousand, cutting back from 5 million/year to 15 thousand/year will be extremely painful.

This is hedonic adaptation. We get used to a level of consumption, such that we no longer derive any utility from it. But any decreases are painful.

What can you do with this knowledge? The obvious answer is to never grow your lifestyle in the first place. If you live like you’re making 50,000/year while making 5 million/year, you can retire basically whenever. On the other hand, if you spend everything you make, you’ll be working for the rest of your life.

Live modestly. Charlie Munger (net worth $1 billion) likes to say that the only difference between him and friend Warren Buffet (net worth $62 billion), wealth-wise, is that Buffet lives a more modest lifestyle. I’d say that a $60 billion dollar payday is worth it, wouldn’t you?

That’s all, folks. You’re looking Scroogier already.

Financial Advisor for Lottery Winners: 5 Key Pieces of Advice

If you only win a dollar or two in the lottery, you probably don't need a financial advisor. Photo by John Carleton.

If you only win a dollar or two in the lottery, you probably don’t need a financial advisor. Photo by John Carleton.

Congratulations. You’ve just won the lottery. After the dopamine rush and mad thrill of it wears off, I bet you’re wondering: now what? Most people who come into a lot of money either have the benefit of a slow build up, allowing them to learn as they go or, in the case of an inheritance, advice from family. Lottery winners have neither and, consequently, they need a financial advisor for lottery winners.

Luckily, I’ve got you covered.

5 Key Pieces of Financial Advice for Lottery Winners

You shouldn't keep your lottery winnings in a jar. Photo by Lisa Brewster.

You shouldn’t keep your lottery winnings in a jar. Photo by Lisa Brewster.

5. Get a good accountant.

After you’ve won the lottery, the most important piece of advice that I can give you is to find a good accountant. Seriously. On a recent episode of Ice Lake Rebels, one of the show’s participants said that he was a refugee, because his country was trying to kill him.

That country? Sweden, he said. They were trying to tax him to death.

Now, I suspect that his taxes weren’t that bad but, as a lottery winner, yours very well may be. Here’s an example: a business incorporated in Delaware will receive a tax bill saying that they owe 70,000 dollars or more. A good tax accountant (or even a Google search) will bring that down to near zero, due to Delaware’s wonky tax calculation system.

A lottery winner can expect the same sort of thing. Here’s one way to think about it: imagine that you pay an accountant a hefty sum, 10,000 dollars, and then he saves you 100k. Was it worth it?


4. Avoid fees.

If there’s one thing I hate more than taxes (and, boy, do I hate taxes), it’s fees. Fees are the devil. They eat into your money, and your profit, and if you let a financial advisor, they’ll bleed you dry with fees. Fees are the worst.

And fees compound over time. Like I pointed out in my post on the true cost of a financial advisor, for a small account, a 1% yearly fee (a typical financial advisor fee) adds up to more than 250k in the long run. For a lottery winner with an initial investment of 10 million, the math is much worse: after 25 years, 1% in fees reduces the absolute value of your account from 54 million to 43 million.

So fees can be worth 11 million dollars, and this sort of thing leads to all sort of perverse incentives (as I pointed out in my post on the types of financial advisors). Lots of brokers and commission-based financial advisors aren’t out to help you, but instead wish to sell you the most expensive junk they can find.

Buyer beware.

3. Invest as much as feasible.

When you win the lottery, there’s a temptation to spend a lot of money on the things that you can now afford, that you couldn’t in the past. You what I call this stuff? Junk. You don’t need a boat or a new car.

You need to invest as much of this money as you can. Let’s say that you’ve won 10 million dollars. Now, let’s consider two people: one who spends 10% of his winnings before wising up, and one who spends 90% before figuring out her finances.

In 25 years, the first guy will have turned his 9 million into about 50 million — not too shabby at all. The second gal, who spent most of her winnings? She’ll end up with about 5 million. So, spending 8 million today will cost you 45 million dollars in the future.

Here’s one way to think of it: take anything you want to buy now, multiply it by 6, and ask yourself if you’d rather have that much money in the future.

If you’re still not convinced, read the story of the Stroh family, who managed to blow 9 billion dollars. If they had that amount invested in very conservative securities, they could have earned hundreds of millions of dollars each year, doing nothing at all. Instead, it’s all gone.

2. Be cautious.

This brings me to my broader point: there is nothing better that a lottery winner can do than be cautious. Think about it this way: you understand less about your money right now than you will at any point in the future. So before making any decision, you should wait until you’re better informed.

I recommend taking well over a month before making any serious decisions about your money. More if you’re patient enough.

This is so important. You’re not in any hurry. You’ve already won. Take the time now to do all of this right. Don’t get tricked into spending all your money on things you don’t need or schemes that won’t pay off. Take it one step at a time.

Be cautious. Postpone decisions. Sleep on it. For a month. Or more.

1. Exercise.

There’s one word that best describes winning the lottery: disruption. Your life is changing rapidly, and this can be extremely stressful. You have to learn competence at and deal with all sorts of problems you’d never thought you would have.

It can feel like your life is falling apart. What should you do about it?

Exercise. There’s nothing better for emotional stability and peace of mind than vigorous cardio.

Want to feel like you’re in control? Get your heart pumping.

Wrapping Up Financial Advice For Lottery Winners

Remember: you’ve lucked out. You have a great opportunity in front of you. Now, it’s up to you to make everything you can out of it. Remember to:

  • Get a good accountant.
  • Avoid fees.
  • Invest.
  • Be cautious.
  • And exercise.

If you’re looking for a financial advisor, make sure that you’re informed on what’s out there. Read my posts on the surprising truth about financial advisor rates, types of financial advisors, typical financial advisor fees, and questions to ask a financial advisor.