14 Groan-Worthy Financial Advisor Jokes


"Financial advisors, financial planners, CFAs, CPAs... What's up with that? What I really want is a financial thesaurus."

“Financial advisors, financial planners, CFAs, CPAs… What’s up with that? What I really want is a financial thesaurus.”

Here’s my collection of financial advisor jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many financial advisors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to hire a lightbulb installer to do it and then charge you 1% of your assets each year.

Q: How does financial advisors measure their success?
A: By the number of consecutive life sentences they receive.

A financial advisor, a Jew, and a convict walk into a bar. He orders a beer.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack financial advisors?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why did the robber only steal 1% of the bank’s money?
A: He was a financial advisor.

If you had your life to live over again, you’d need more money.

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night: I woke up every hour and cried.

I’m not saying my financial advisor’s bad at her job, but when I went into her office and asked her to check my balance, she tried to push me over.

You know you have a bad financial advisor when you tell her to buy AOL stock and she asks you the ticker.

The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The optimist sees the glass half full. The financial advisor just adds whiskey.

IPO: it’s probably overpriced.

The Garden of Eden

A financial advisor, an engineer, and a doctor are arguing over which profession is the oldest.

The doctor says, “Just look at Genesis! When God removes Adam’s rib to make Eve, that’s a surgical procedure.”

The engineer replies, “In the very first line of the Bible, it says that there was chaos, and then God created the Earth. That’s an engineering task,”

Then the financial advisor says, “Who do you think created all of the chaos?”

The Road to Riches

A young man asked a financial advisor how he made his money.

The financial advisor touched his collar and said, “It was the financial crash of 2009. One of the worst bear markets I’ve ever seen.”

“People were scrambling for answers. At first, I billed clients 100 dollars an hour.”

“The next month, I raised my rates to 200 dollars an hour.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us 12 million dollars.”

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